Tips for the Christmas Procrastinator

By:  Jason Bowen
It's that time of year again.  It's the Monday before Christmas and many of us are running around in a panic trying to finish our last minute gift buys or scrambling to prepare for the arrival of family.  And God knows that making that final trip to Wal-Mart or taking the drive to Hanes Mall right now is the last thing anyone wants to go through.  Note:  (If you're driving to Hanes Mall, expect to be in extremely frustrating traffic upon reaching Hanes Mall Blvd.)  I've decided to put together a list of extremely infuriating obstacles that you'll be "rewarded" with due to your inability to plan ahead 

• TRAFFIC:  You're going to cuss someone out.  Road rage will become you.  Last minute Christmas shopping causes people who are otherwise marginally intelligent to ignore all logic and reasoning.  Prepare yourself for people who clog intersections trying to beat the red light.  Prepare yourself for those who refuse to recognize turn signals or even recognize the existence of such a device on their own vehicle.

• FRIENDS, ENEMIES AND FRIENEMIES:  I love my friends and I dislike my enemies.  But when I'm doing my last minute, procrastinated shopping I'd rather not see either.  In a county like Wilkes, the likelihood of you running into someone you despise entirely is extremely high considering everyone knows everyone and everyone talks about everyone.  As for your friends, you'd love to speak with them but neither you nor your friend(s) want to extend the agony that you're both going through for any longer than necessary.  There is a sub group of humans who will ignore this rule by chatting endlessly in the middle of store walkways causing massive gridlock.  These people are probably the people you saw clogging up the intersections trying to beat the red light.   

• WRAPPING PAPER:  If you're like me, because you've waited until the last minute, you're going to need wrapping paper.  However, your search for wrapping paper might end up in what I call the "bin of despair".  No wrapping paper in this bin is worthy of your presents regardless of their lack of value or thoughtlessness.  You'll gaze upon this wrapping paper with disgust knowing that you'll either be forced to not wrap your present or buy an expensive gift bag and decorative paper for sums that amount to highway robbery.  

• BELL RINGING:  Do yourself a favor and find a few bucks that you have in your sock drawer or laying around at home and put it in your pocket.  As you walk to the entrance of the store, do so with confidence knowing that you can donate and not feel like a jerk after you forget to get cash back at the register and have nothing to give upon exiting.  

• BLADDER AWARENESS:  It's critical that upon entering the doors of your shopping destination that you go to your respective gender or unisex bathroom and relieve yourself regardless of immediate need.  If you forget to perform this act prior to shopping, your bladder will wait until you are deep in the jungle of product and disgruntled crowds before it screams for attention.  At which point you'll chastise yourself for not having already gone to the bathroom which will just make your tedious, agonizing, and procrastinated shopping experience even more tedious and agonizing.   

Being aware of or just following these simple suggestions will make your shopping experience just a little easier and a lot less complicated.  

All complain prepping aside.  Regardless of how difficult and challenging our individual challenges might be, lets not lose sight of what's really important in our lives nor how good we really have it.  You might be stressed.  You might be hurt.  You might be lonely.  You might have any number of burdens resting on your soul and on your shoulders but each and everyone one of us are blessed and cursed in our own ways.  During this season of giving, caring and love; lets let those three things be the gifts we're most worried about giving.  They're often cheap on the pocketbook, they aren't necessarily made in China and each gift is unique when it comes from the heart.  And the only wrapping these gifts need are wrappings of sincerity.